Today we made plans to find ourselves a daddy.
Not a sugar-daddy, I hasten to add. If we can find one of those when we start to whore ourselves out for funding that’d be wholly unexpected, and extraordinarily appreciated. But for now we’re really just after somebody who knows where it’s at; to raise us and school us right.
I think the technical term is an Executive Producer. A veteran film-maker with a pedigree in the UK horror business. Someone that can help us navigate through the next stages of the minefield; who knows what needs to get done now and what can wait; that can point us at people for specialist production roles. Someone with “the Knowledge”.
Hell, someone that we can just phone up for answers to all our stupid questions.
And remember – these are your stupid questions too. We’re just the ones that get to look like arseholes by asking them.
So, Jake and I set about making a short-list. Sadly, it became clear pretty quickly that this would be a very short list (see my earlier comments about the state of the UK film industry). But a few champions of low-budget British horror floated through the morass. A shorter short-list.
In the end, our strategy boiled down to a single principle. And irritatingly I’m not sure whether this principle is the most profound truism that describes the nature of the universe in all its mathematical splendour, or just a trite sound-bite on human psychology.
The principle states that there are only three numbers: zero, one and infinity. All the other numbers can (if you’ll excuse me slipping into the vernacular of our earlier discussion) “go fuck themselves”.
OK – imagine you enter a marathon (sadly the Snickers re-branding has denied me a perfectly good peanuts-under-the-foreskin joke here). It’s very impressive. All your pals can tell you how much they admire you; marvel at your training regime; sponsor your good cause to the hilt. But you’re still one of us farties, albeit one that has chosen to do a remarkable thing.
However, if you then go on and do another marathon, attitudes change. You are no longer from amongst us normal folk. You are allowed to climb onto the Special Pedestal. And after that, people’s perceptions won’t change no matter how many more races you do; you will just be thought of as someone that “runs marathons”.
Put simply, it takes nerve, perseverance and tenacity to make a film. But it’s a much smaller subset of awesome that manages to go round again.
So, our choice of prospective Exec should be someone with more than one movie under their belt. Whether it’s two, three, or ten; that number is not so important.
All we have to do now is see whether he wants to talk to us. Presumptuous.